An old lady goes into her local photographers studio and approaches the girl at the desk. ‘I have heard that many things can be done with photographs these days. Is it true’? She asked. ‘Oh yes’, said the girl, ‘we can do all sorts of things these days’, she continued. ‘How may we help you’? The old lady replied, ‘Well I have this photo and I would like you to erase part of it’. She showed the girl the photograph and the girl asked what specific thing would the old lady like the studio to do. The picture was of the Queen attending some special event. The old lady said ‘Can you erase that policeman standing just there holding back the crowd’? ‘Certainly’, replied the girl, ‘But why’? The old lady smiled and said, ‘Well I am standing behind him’!

Shirley Anne

This is something already in my ‘Oddbods’ page and I think it merits being here. I was browsing there and started to read it again. Each time I do that I end up in tears through laughing! The scenario is playing out in my mind’s eye and I cannot help but laugh. That is good for the system you know. Thank you Jakkie (you can read Jakkie’s story on my ‘Friends’ page) for this gem………….

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s mom, No doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn’t – – so you carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.” In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.” To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mom’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “OCCUPIED!” you scream, as you reach for the door dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly on the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
You are soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
Now, you can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it into the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s rest-room. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public rest-room(REST??? – You’ve got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the rest-room in pairs.
It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Another of life’s mysteries solved….

Shirley Anne

I would call myself a ‘foxy’ lady. Others have said that to me, guys that is. I am not sure what exactly it means. Perhaps it means sly. Gosh I hope not! Cunning? Maybe but even that’s not a nice trait in a lady. I prefer to think of it as coy, shy and retiring…………mwha……..retiring?…Not likely! I am more the life and soul type, especially after a drink or two!
We get foxes visiting our gardens from time to time. We also get red squirrels, bats, natterjack toads, hedgehogs, mice, cats, owls and a variety of other birds too, pigeons, blackbirds, thrush, robins, tits, chaffinch, woodpeckers, magpies, sparrow, gulls, crows, jays. We’d get rabbits too if it weren’t for the intervening roads between us and the coastal land.
The lady in the house is foxy though!

Shirley Anne x

Have you ever had moments of mild temptation where something you normally avoid suddenly becomes very attractive? It may be a ‘naughty but nice’ cream cake, a larger glass of wine or a sudden urge to buy that dress you keep looking at in a shop window. Whatever it is do you find that you quite easily give in to your temptation? Should we not treat ourselves in this way occasionally? Normally I don’t buy ice-cream from a street vendor, in any case I am trying to control my cholesterol levels but once in a while I will give in and treat myself. I believe we are sometimes too hard on ourselves and it can generate feelings of guilt if we ‘let slip’ once in a while. All a question of balance and sensibility I think. Let me encourage you to have a little of what ‘tickles your fancy’ now and then. You’ll feel all the better for it.

Shirley Anne x

Today is Grand National Day here in the UK and specifically Aintree, Liverpool were I was born and raised (Liverpool). The race is supposed to be the oldest steeplechase horse race in the world. A great event in which much of the ‘civilised’ world takes an avid interest. I am not one to gamble, except maybe the National Lotto each week and I certainly do not gamble on horse racing but I do partake of any ‘raffles’ that may be on offer. Tonight, that is last night (LOL) I subscribed to a raffle. I ‘bought’ two horses in the Grand National. Maybe they’ll win, well one of them but I ain’t bothered, it’s all in fun. Don’t ask me for the names, I haven’t a clue! Too much Lager, JD, Meade and Cherry Brandy! LOL….If I win I will let you know.
If you have placed a bet I wish you luck! Love

Shirley Anne x