Category Archives: Relationships

Do I deserve this?

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It Ain't My Fault

It Ain’t My Fault (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On August 8th last year and at other times, April 19th 2013 for instance, I posted an article concerning my relationship with E and how she treats me at times. Three weeks ago on Sunday last (Feb 1st) she was at it again, snapping at me for absolutely no reason. I have endured this treatment on and off for some years now always thinking that it will get better and usually it does but only if it is me who breaks the ice so to speak. If it was my fault I could understand her attitude but it is never my fault that she snaps at me and we end up not speaking. Like I said it is I who has to break the ice even though I am not at fault, she simply will never apologise when she is wrong. Do I deserve such treatment? I don’t think so. I only persevere because I love her. People tell me that I should leave, friends say I shouldn’t let her ways interfere with my happiness and that I should just accept her the way she is. That is absolutely true and that is exactly what I have been doing these past 40 something years! It is hard living with someone who is difficult to get along with some of the time and who seems ungrateful toward me considering all that I do for her. I end up retiring from her company in case I am snapped at again, consequently we don’t speak. Why am I telling you this? Well one, it is good to get things off your chest and two, so that you don’t think everything is a bed of roses in life, especially my life! It will get better, it can’t get worse so I bide my time and wait it out yet again.

Shirley Anne

Low ebb

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Hear No, See No, Speak No (song)

Hear No, See No, Speak No

I did next to nothing on Tuesday neither electrical work or work at home though I could have spent some time in the garden. The reason I didn’t was because I am at a low ebb. E and I are not speaking again. Basically she refused to answer a question I had put to her even though the question had been initially asked in innocence and without intent. It wasn’t so much that she wouldn’t speak on the subject but more the way I was blanked and given no explanation at all. I should know better than to ask certain things having known her for more than forty years. Her refusal to simply chat about any subject and engage in an intelligent conversation has always been beyond her and over the years we were married that left me with no-one to speak with. She wouldn’t speak to me if the television was on or her favourite program was scheduled and during the latter half of the marriage it drove me crazy because she wouldn’t speak about the issues we had with the marriage and it drove us apart. I ended up in a loveless marriage and was lonely for many years. I digress. Most of this is already recorded in my pages above and it doesn’t serve to keep going over what is past but just to give a broad insight to new readers I mention it. The crux of the matter is I am simply keeping out of her way for the time being. I don’t suffer from depression because I am not clinically affected but neither do I dwell on things also. I just feel at a low ebb, not wanting to be bothered with anything other than my work until things return to some semblance of normality. No dining out then and a temporary cessation of anything to do with home, work-wise that is. It is a sad state of affairs I know but I’ve been through it all many times over the last few years and don’t expect it to last. At least the day gave me the opportunity to rest after the full day I had on Monday though I would have much preferred to have been at work.

Shirley Anne

Just thinking

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friendship - IMG_3604

friendship – IMG_3604 (Photo credit: Nicola since 1972)

There aren’t too many things which capture my attention though I take an interest in many things. As far as my daily life is concerned many would think it rather boring and mundane and for them I suppose it is. Much of my time is spent working on one thing or another either at home or in someone else’s home. I like work because it gives me something to do but not only that it gives me something to do that is constructive and doesn’t simply waste time. I also enjoy the challenges that work often presents me with and the sense of achievement that cannot be experienced in other things. One thing I do enjoy now is socialising, meeting people and connecting with them. Once though, long ago in my life, I was a very unsociable person and reclusive, rejecting all advances by the invitations of others. I simply didn’t wish to know. Even at this time in my life I didn’t mix with my siblings though in fact they had all flown the nest bar one. I took this attitude to its extreme occasionally until one day I began to reach out and mix with people. I found it very easy to make friends and I made quite a few of them within months. I did see my siblings but only on rare occasions. All I had in my life were the few friends I had made though none of them ever became close. Once I was married I found those friends gradually falling away and I lost contact with them. Winding the clock many years onward and by the time I was divorced I had no friends at all. I hadn’t seen my family, that is my siblings, for a long time either so there was again no-one in my life. I made a second attempt at socialising and again made a few friends. I almost never see any of them now and I am back with no-one for companionship, that is except for my ex partner with whom I remained. I have found that our relationship has improved vastly and is as good as it ever was when we first met 42 years ago, though the form it takes now is different from what it was then. Without this relationship I have nothing. Yes, I do see my children from time to time but no-one else. I wonder why my friends drifted off and lost contact and though I have telephoned them I get no reply. I don’t expect to live in their pockets for they have their own lives to lead but the occasional contact would be nice if only to see how they are doing. Such is life, people are what they are but I know my life would be better with them in it.

Shirley Anne

Always in a rush to go elsewhere

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Golf "Lessen"

Golf “Lessen” (Photo credit: JD Hancock)

During the last couple of weeks we have had The Women’s British Open Golf Championships being held at Royal Birkdale Golf Club, about a half-mile up the main road. The event is being sponsored by Ricoh, a Japanese multinational imaging and electronics company. I have to admit not knowing that until I checked them out on a search engine. Personally I don’t have much interest in golf but I do watch it in part on the television occasionally. Had I been an ardent follower I would be living in just the right place as in fact I am doing here on the west coast for there are many golf courses in the area, a golfer’s dream. Personally I would never go to an event to watch the game, especially if it was only for one day in a competition that lasts for several days. My eldest son it seems isn’t that fussy. I didn’t know he was interested in golf, though his wife may be but I think it was more of a casual visit to the event, this one day, rather than him wishing to go every day to see as much as he could. On Thursday morning he arrived with his wife at our house so that he could leave his car here all day. I had gone to work a half-hour before they arrived so didn’t see them. E ferried them up the road in her car and returned home. I was back home myself an hour later. I chose not to do any more work in the garden as the weather was too warm and I wanted a rest in any case as the following day, Friday, E and I were collecting a hire-van to transport our youngest son’s furniture up to his new house in Manchester, about 50 miles away. We would be kept busy loading and unloading for a couple of hours, pretty tiring work. Later in the afternoon, actually it was well after six o’clock, E collected our eldest son and his wife on her way back home from doing the shopping with her mum and they picked up their car and drove off home to her parents house about three miles away where they have been living for the past two years. Now we hardly ever see them but whenever we do they are always in a rush to go elsewhere or have an excuse to leave early and never stay long. This time they were alone as their little girl, our granddaughter, was being looked after by her nan so they could have stopped for a while to chat. It appears that they can find the time for watching golf all day long though. It is hard sometimes being a parent and being treated this way.

Shirley Anne

Outcast

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Outcast (video game)

Outcast (video game) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It was such a lovely day yet again on Tuesday and E and I were to collect her new car at some point in the afternoon then drive off somewhere to dine. I had no electrical work to do and in any case would not have scheduled any for the whole day. As E so succinctly put it when she came down for breakfast and saw that I wasn’t dressed for work and said, ‘I see you have your ‘no intention’ gear on’. It’s a phrase I have often used in the past when I have no desire to do any work and dress accordingly. We hadn’t received a call from the dealership by noon so I suggested E call them to check. She was told that we could collect the car around 1.15 and we duly arrived shortly before then. After signing much paperwork and being shown the basic controls we finally were able to drive away leaving E’s old car standing on the forecourt to await its fate. We drove 15 miles to a restaurant/pub/motel in the village of Newburgh (pronounced Newburra), a place we have been to on a number of occasions previously. Not to our surprise the place was almost completely deserted, partly due to our late arrival at around three o’clock. The meal was as usual splendid and not expensive in the least considering we both had two courses and a drink each. We headed back home but when almost there E took a detour to see our eldest son who lives with his wife’s parents. E needed a few miles of driving to get used to the controls, not least of all the manual gearbox as her old car had a semi-automatic box. She soon got to grips with it though. There is an amazing array of gizmos built into this vehicle as standard equipment, things like a Sat-Nav, a hands-free system for the phone, remote controlled wing mirrors, refrigerated air-conditioning  with a cool box to stow drinks or food in and many other handy features. We arrived at the house and E rang the doorbell whilst I remained seated in the car as she said she wouldn’t be long. E was let inside by our son’s father-in-law who looked towards myself sitting in the car but said absolutely nothing before closing the door. I waited for about a minute or so then E reappeared holding a couple of carrier bags containing some of our granddaughters toys, those she has grown out of. Our son came over but didn’t say much either and generally spoke with E about the car. Then his mother-in-law came out with our granddaughter but remained at a distance, neither wanting to come closer and I felt it was because I was present for I am sure they would have done had I not been there. Eventually our son went over and brought the little one over whilst his mother-in-law remained afar. I said hello to my granddaughter and she said something in return but continued to the rear of the car out of sight. She didn’t stay long and she returned indoors with her ‘nanna’. Her ‘grandpa’ made no effort to come and look at the car and he remained inside. Our son chatted for a few more minutes then went back inside too after we drove off homeward. Whilst driving home along the local coast road I spoke to E about the affair and told her that I had felt very uncomfortable whilst being at their house because I had been treated as if I had leprosy. Now I know this is an experience felt by many others who have transitioned and even those who haven’t but it still hurts to be treated the way I am. It is a sad state of affairs when my own granddaughter is a little apprehensive in approaching me. When this happened some time ago on one of our son’s rare and very short visits he explained that she simply didn’t know me enough to feel comfortable with me as she would if I were a complete stranger. I replied that is due to the fact that she is almost never allowed to visit for any length of time. Even E hardly gets to see her but does see her occasionally at the supermarket. I asked E how she would feel if she was given the same treatment as me and she had to admit she would feel hurt too. What I find especially hurtful is that my son, his wife and her parents are all supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. How can they go to church and praise God with un-repented sin dwelling in their hearts? Whenever I think on such things I am reminded of these verses in Scripture:

Romans 14:10-12
You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written: ‘“As surely as I live,” says the Lord, “Every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.”’ So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

I may be an outcast from my own family but the problem resides with them.

To my friends in America: Happy Independence Day!

Shirley Anne

A day to remember

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Image representing Apple as depicted in CrunchBase

Image via CrunchBase

Over the last week or so I had it in mind to mow the lawn as soon as I
had the chance. We have had rain lately and at this time of year the
weather turns damp overnight which leaves plenty of dew on the grass,
not ideal for mowing. However, on Saturday the weather was fine enough
but I didn’t really get the opportunity and hoped for a similarly nice
day on Sunday. The forecast looked very promising and indeed Sunday
turned out to be a really warm and pleasant day, great for mowing the
lawn in fact. I arose quite early but didn’t wish to start mowing before
10 o’clock thinking it might upset the neighbours so I didn’t start
until 10.30. E joined with me and whilst I was mowing the lawn she set
about tidying up in the greenhouses and sweeping the leaves that
cluttered the paths. She later swept up the grass cuttings that had
escaped the mower’s collection box. I don’t use the box when the weather
is warmer as the cuttings are drier and more easily removed with the
rotary sweeper. It meant that I had to empty the box regularly but even
so I finished the job with reasonable speed. Once the mower had been
stored away and the grass cuttings removed I decided to dig out the
potatoes that had grown in the raised bed between the greenhouses in
which we had planted strawberries. We didn’t plant the potatoes so they
must have grown from a few we had inadvertently left in the soil the
previous year. The harvest was about five pounds or two kilograms,
enough for a couple of meals, alright considering we hadn’t planted
them! I also took the opportunity to remove the half-dozen apples from the trees that I wasn’t able to reach the day before. On returning indoors we together swept and vacuumed the floor in one of the cellar rooms which we call the workshop as it has a bench and vice in there. There was dust on the floor from cutting some of the tiles with the ‘Abra’ file (which looks like a saw but is in fact a wire-shaped file in a saw frame), the majority were cut upstairs in the wet room using the tile cutter. We had lunch and then we peeled all the apples and cut them ready for cooking. We made two very large Apple Strudels, two large pies and what can only be described as an oversized apple-filled pasty! Two women working in a kitchen is usually a recipe for disaster, friction, argument and whatever else that might, dare I say it, upsets the apple cart! But no, we work very well together in the kitchen these days and we share in whatever tasks there are. I must say that we have been getting on well together in many ways over the last couple of months after a long spell of being not on speaking terms. I think E realizes now that she can be very nasty when she wants to be but it gets her nowhere. Life is far better and enjoyable when she is amiable, both for herself and for me too.

Shirley Anne

Back to it

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English: Finnish spruce plywood

English: Finnish spruce plywood (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week E and I were again reconciled after I instigated a little chat. I have to say I had to do something to break the ice for if I was to wait for E to make the first move I get the feeling we would never speak again. She knows now that she was in the wrong and has accordingly apologised. Naturally I accepted the apology and we have mended the rift. She is beginning to act the way she did when we first met and the change is amazing! I must say I have been taken completely by surprise by her new self and I hope she will remain as nice now as she once was toward me. That is all I ask of her. Anyway all this has prompted me to continue with my previously abandoned home projects, the main one being the wet room I had made preparations for some 80 weeks ago. Late on Wednesday morning we drove to the timber yard to purchase some plywood to lay on the existing wooden floor in that wet room and while we were waiting for them to cut the ply for us we did some shopping and stopped at the local Tesco store for a bite to eat as by now it was 1 o’clock. We had visited the store twenty minutes earlier for fuel thinking we could then go on to get the plywood and return directly home but most of the staff at the yard were on their lunch break and we had to arrange to return an hour later. So there we were in the cafeteria tucking into a rather delicious salad sandwich each. I whispered in E’s ear, ‘Don’t say I don’t take you out for lunch’, she smiled. Actually we go out every week together doing just that and had in fact dined out the day before. We finished our lunch and drove back to the timber yard to collect the plywood which had now been cut and was ready for collection. In that brief outing we spent £100. Money goes nowhere these days does it? I didn’t start the work after returning home as I was still feeling a little weak after my recent illness but I planned to begin the work on Thursday morning. Around six in the evening I received a call from the guy whom I had worked for last week who wanted me to do more work in the same office. That’s the way it goes, my job has to take second place to one the earns me money!

Shirley Anne

A little fed up

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Friday feet 1

Friday feet 1 (Photo credit: jijis)

E and I are still not talking, I’ve had some awkward problems with one of my computers, I have nothing to do that I wish to do, the weather is too stuffy for me and I have no-one to talk to. Other than with these problems I am all right. On two consecutive days this week I have eaten out alone in my local pub. Last week I went on a trip to Liverpool by myself and although I love my old city and how much it has developed over the last few years especially, it isn’t the same when I go there alone. I would much prefer E to have gone with me. Sadly that isn’t going to happen for some time it seems. Most of my life I have been alone. When I was younger it was by choice but after I married I didn’t expect to be ignored and rejected half-way through it. I was married for thirty years! It is a wonder I am not suffering from acute depression due to the way I get treated. I am happiest when I am working and when I am socialising but when I’m doing neither it is hard for me. I have a couple of hobbies and interests but they do not fill my days and I get extremely bored. After I had been to the pub on Friday I went for a walk but the weather was so warm and sunny it became more of a chore than an enjoyment and I felt so drained of energy. I so much prefer it to be cooler. On the plus side, there is always a plus side, I have been able to actually save some money for a change for it seems that whenever I do have cash to save something turns up to prevent it. I am not about to end it all of course, my life is not mine to throw away. It belongs to Jesus. So forgive me if on occasion I feel a little fed up and express it here, I have to get it off my chest somehow. Things can and will get better I am sure, it’s the waiting game I don’t like.

Shirley Anne

Yet again but no changes on the home front

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Real Love (Mary J. Blige song)

Real Love (Mary J. Blige song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The previous two posts majored on the relationships I have with my customers and how much I have been appreciated in what I have done for them. Today, Wednesday as I write this, it happened yet again. I went to a nearby town to do some work for a couple about the same age as myself who lived in the top floor of a ‘maisonette‘. The apartments themselves  cover two floors and are surprisingly spacious inside and attractive to look at from the outside, though the gardens need some attention. The work took about three hours and I was paid more than I’d asked with an invitation to return later to do more work. This seems to be the trend for me lately, extra remuneration and more work. When I’d completed the job I had to visit the supplier for some van stock materials as I like to keep basic items in my van for impromptu requests. I offered to take the lady to the supplier and bring her back home as she wanted to purchase some things for herself. She thanked me and came along. When I dropped her off I received a big hug and a kiss on the cheek for being so nice and doing a good job. The following day, Thursday, was just the same. I was replacing an electric shower, not as straightforward as you might think, in fact it was the opposite. It is difficult to fit a new unit in exactly the same place as the old one where the plumbing and the electric cable are set in a tiled wall! I did it though and the lady was well-pleased. I received a bonus there too! It sounds as if I am blowing my own trumpet here but that is far from my thoughts. It is just nice to be appreciated and to let others know how I feel. On the home front however things are not going well because E and I are still not talking. I am taken for granted at home, I know I am but what I do for E has never been for selfish reasons. It hurts me to know that she cannot bring herself to apologise for the things she sometimes says and the attitude she often portrays toward me. All it takes is an admission of thoughtlessness and the three words , ‘I am sorry’ but they never come. E would cut off her own nose to spite her face before saying those words. Over the years I have learned to live with it but it is getting a little tiresome, I love her and she knows that, she’s told me so enough times but she has always found it difficult to reciprocate. That doesn’t matter to me for I don’t expect anything in return when I offer my love. It isn’t about love though, it is about respect and consideration. Her greatest problem is her stubborn heart and in that respect she is very much like her dad was when he was alive, though he was a generous man to his family, me included. So in the meantime I am treading water and keeping a low profile at home and very little is getting done.

Shirley Anne

Suddenly all things change

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Someday Came Suddenly

Someday Came Suddenly

E and I have been very busy at home as my regular readers know and it has all been possible because of the lack of electrical work to keep me otherwise occupied. I have had some work but not a lot. This Monday however all things have swung the other way, I seem to be suddenly in great demand which is good. I never know what each day is going to bring my way and sometimes that is a good thing but not always as if I allow it, would make any plans I might have go awry. I do like variety in my life though as long as there is some stability mixed-in. I have not worked in the garden for almost a week now, though the work there isn’t complete by a long chalk. This is due to my ill-treatment by E, something I have to suffer every so often it seems. I just switch off and let things alone. So for the moment and as long as I am getting electrical work, I am happy enough and will concentrate on that. Dining out unfortunately has been shelved for the time being too, unless I dine out alone or with others but I cannot be bothered to do that. I sometime get the feeling I should dig out my passport and fly off somewhere for a month, maybe things really would change after that, especially if I go alone! I did an electrical job on Tuesday for the first time in a while except for the one job I did last week and the work was filled with problems but I managed to do what was asked of me, eventually. It’s funny how some jobs can be like that whilst others I get are free of any problems at all. That’s the nature of the work though and I am used to it after 51 years! I guess I could say that I am used to being mistreated too after more than 40 years knowing E. Something has got to change.

Shirley Anne

I’m at a loss again

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Exponential loss

Exponential loss (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I know that everyone in this world faces problems of one sort or another at times in their lives and I am no exception to that. Every problem has a solution, not that a problem suddenly disappears, though occasionally that might happen but if it cannot be resolved it must be dealt with in some other way. We can hide from or run away from our problems but that isn’t always a practical thing to do therefore the only thing we can do is face up to them and learn to live with them. I have learnt to live with the things I cannot fix in my life and I am not talking about material things, I am talking about relationships. Some people are easy to get along with, some are not and I have both in my life. Those I do not get along with I try to avoid but tolerate their presence when it is unavoidable and in such cases I have to be careful what I say or do, it’s called diplomacy! However there are those in my own family I sometimes have difficulty with too. I have always been wary of people and was never one to form close relationships until I met E, my former spouse. I loved her from the first time we met and although we are now divorced that remains true. The reasons we divorced are well documented in the pages above so I will not explain here. At one point we were going to go our separate ways but eventually decided to stay together under the same roof. Naturally the relationship we have is not as it once was but there is still a bond of love between us which keeps us together. It hasn’t always been easy living with E because of the way she treats me at times but I try to persevere just as I have always done. I could easily have left her years ago and I often wonder why I didn’t but then realise that I love her too much to be apart from her, even if it has to be the way it is between us. Our is an off and on sort of relationship, much like it has been for most of the years we’ve been together. What happens is this, everything is going well between us and we get along as people should but then her attitude suddenly changes because of something I have done which doesn’t meet with her approval. Now I am not talking about anything I am doing that is nasty but as an example I might pick up the guitar and play a song or two very quietly and she will deliberately make a noise trying to drown the music and then storm out of the room. If I happen to attempt speaking with her when she is watching television or doing things on her computer she makes it known that she is annoyed. I leave the room dejected as usual with my feelings hurt yet again. After a couple of days we are again on speaking terms for a couple of months and something else sets her off and I stay out-of-the-way once more. I never receive an apology but it is always me who heals the wounds between us. I sometimes think she will never change and maybe she won’t but I will never give up on her. I’m at a loss again. Once more I am mistreated, once more we are not speaking. Thoughts spinning around in my head again, not knowing what to do next as I have pretty much exhausted all avenues. All I have left in my ammunition box is love, it’s all I really need though.

Shirley Anne

Once again and bad habits

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English: Bars of black Swiss Chocolate. From l...

Bars of black Swiss Chocolate. From left to right: About 75% cacao; With chili; Normal black chocolate. Deutsch: Von links nach rechts: Hoher Kakaoanteil (um 75%), Mit Chili; Normale schwarze Schokolade. 

As is my want I tend these days to dine out once a week if I have the time and it seems I am getting more of that lately. This past week E and I dined out on Tuesday and again on Wednesday just because I felt like it. E doesn’t need much persuasion by the way, which is a good thing. At our time in life what is the point of keeping the boat moored steadfastly to the quay? I didn’t receive a request for work for Thursday or Friday, though I have been asked to work on Monday and Tuesday this week. That meant I had nothing to do and the time was my own. E goes shopping for food on a Thursday and she takes along her mom who can no longer drive to the supermarket herself. That is in a way a bonus for me as I am not keen on shopping for food, only doing so if it is absolutely necessary. I like shopping for clothes and other things but not for groceries. So there we were both of us with nothing much to do on Friday so I mentioned to E that we hadn’t visited a certain eatery for quite some time and that maybe we should go there again soon. Before all of the words had left my mouth E chirped up with, ‘You want to go out don’t you’? She can read me like a kid’s comic. ‘Well’, I said, ‘Let me know if you fancy going out again’ and I left it with her. I had things to do on my computer and around an hour or more later she popped into the room where I was sitting and told me she was going to get ready, meaning she wanted to go for a meal as suggested. E is like that, often never saying things in a direct way but I’ve known her for 41 years now and nothing escapes my understanding of her. She knows me that well too. During her shopping spree she had purchased a bar of dark chocolate by way of a treat for me as she knows I love the stuff. She had placed it in the refrigerator without my knowledge and that same evening, I don’t know what it was but I suddenly felt the desire to eat some dark chocolate and thought to myself that I would buy some the next day. When I mentioned it to E she surprised me by telling me that she had bought some earlier knowing that I liked it. What a coincidence! Either she had a premonition or it was one of those unexplained things that just happen now and then. How lovely of her to have thought about me when she was out shopping. Getting back to Friday, we did go out again to that place and had a lovely afternoon and this time pushing the boat out further than we normally do by having three courses instead of our usual two! Very bad habit to get into I must say, especially if watching the calories and three times in the one week! We finished eating around four o’clock and I ate nothing else until 10.30 the next day, Saturday. I was woken by a telephone call just before 8 o’clock and couldn’t go back to sleep. I wouldn’t mind but the caller didn’t answer my response. I learned later that she had mis-dialed the number and called me by mistake. She was in fact the lady whose job I am doing on Monday. I got up, got dressed for running and went downstairs to spend some time on the treadmill. After a short time I finally got dressed for the day and ate some fruit around 11 o’clock. I wasn’t particularly hungry but I usually find that after doing some exercise. It was after 1 o’clock before I had a proper meal.

Shirley Anne

Friends and family and all I know

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Friendship, Göteborg, Sweden

Friendship, Göteborg, Sweden

The saying is ‘You can choose your friends but you are stuck with your family’ or words in a similar vein. ‘A man’s enemies are the members of his own household’, to quote Scripture (Micah 7:6). I have only ever had one friend in my life, that is if I exclude E. She has known me for more than forty-one years and is the only person in this world, apart from our children, whom I could trust with my life. When I was between the ages of five and twelve I had a childhood friend who was as close as a young friend could be. He was also my defender and stood in the gap between me and those who liked to bully me at school and even outside of school. I was an extremely timid child and was an easy target for the school bullies of which there were a few. When I left that area to live elsewhere my friend and I lost contact. As I progressed into my teenage years I became more and more introverted and anti-social. I became stripped of any confidence I had and still remained the victim of bullies. I was so anti-social that I turned my back on my old school friend when he appeared one evening to pay me a visit years later. I told my mother to explain that I wasn’t at home. He left and never returned and at that time I felt no guilt. It was only after I had been working for twelve months that things began to change for the better but even so I remained anti-social until around twenty-four or five. I had no friends but I started to form friendships with a few people, none of whom became close friends. E came into my life when I was a couple of months past my twenty-sixth birthday. I never developed a deep friendship after meeting E but there have been a couple of people come into my life during the last twelve years I consider to be friends. Sadly they too have moved away or live too far for regular personal contact. As far as family are concerned, well I might as well not exist for most of them never contact me or have ceased communicating even though formerly only doing that rarely. Other people in my life are merely acquaintances and yet more I have never met in person but know only through the Internet. I would like to call them my friends and as far as it goes they are I suppose. You could say therefore that I am devoid of any close friends and only have the closeness, support and understanding of E, which I cherish incidentally. I read the post of a fellow Internet ‘blogger’ recently where she explored the concept of loneliness as applied to her own situation but assuring her readers that she was quite happy with her circumstance. I hope that she is. I penned this small poem as a comment….

Happy in life
With cares but a few
No-one to sit with
But only you
Watching the couples
Walk by in the sun
Look at the children
Indulging in fun
Life isn’t bad
It’s as easy as pie
But who will be there
To mourn when you die?

Copyright Shirley Anne 9 April 2013

For myself I need people around me, the closer the better.

Shirley Anne

Love’s aspirations

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Love's Passing

Love’s Passing 

Don’t want your empty promises
Don’t want a pack of lies
Don’t want your sexy pictures
They only make me cry.

Don’t want you ‘cos you’re lonely
Don’t want your luggage too
Don’t want your hoards of children
I want just only you.

Don’t want a one night stand love
Don’t want a quick fix trip
Don’t want a hollow feeling
I want relationship.

Don’t want a loveless partner
Don’t want a frozen heart
Don’t want to feel rejection
I want a lasting love.

Copyright Shirley Anne 19 Dec 03

Most people want to fall in love and be happy with their partner in a mutually loving relationship but not everyone has those dreams fulfilled do they? Everything may start off right and things go pleasantly for a while then somehow it all goes down the pan with broken hearts and dreams following on behind. When looking for a lasting life relationship we certainly don’t want somebody who’s qualities match those listed in the poem above do we?

Shirley Anne