Look at some of the other interesting videos that follow on the Trinity, Jesus, God, Christianity, Teen pregnancy, Transgender etc
Posted by Shirley Anne on February 18, 2014
Look at some of the other interesting videos that follow on the Trinity, Jesus, God, Christianity, Teen pregnancy, Transgender etc
Posted by Shirley Anne on September 26, 2013
Over the last week or so I had it in mind to mow the lawn as soon as I
had the chance. We have had rain lately and at this time of year the
weather turns damp overnight which leaves plenty of dew on the grass,
not ideal for mowing. However, on Saturday the weather was fine enough
but I didn’t really get the opportunity and hoped for a similarly nice
day on Sunday. The forecast looked very promising and indeed Sunday
turned out to be a really warm and pleasant day, great for mowing the
lawn in fact. I arose quite early but didn’t wish to start mowing before
10 o’clock thinking it might upset the neighbours so I didn’t start
until 10.30. E joined with me and whilst I was mowing the lawn she set
about tidying up in the greenhouses and sweeping the leaves that
cluttered the paths. She later swept up the grass cuttings that had
escaped the mower’s collection box. I don’t use the box when the weather
is warmer as the cuttings are drier and more easily removed with the
rotary sweeper. It meant that I had to empty the box regularly but even
so I finished the job with reasonable speed. Once the mower had been
stored away and the grass cuttings removed I decided to dig out the
potatoes that had grown in the raised bed between the greenhouses in
which we had planted strawberries. We didn’t plant the potatoes so they
must have grown from a few we had inadvertently left in the soil the
previous year. The harvest was about five pounds or two kilograms,
enough for a couple of meals, alright considering we hadn’t planted
them! I also took the opportunity to remove the half-dozen apples from the trees that I wasn’t able to reach the day before. On returning indoors we together swept and vacuumed the floor in one of the cellar rooms which we call the workshop as it has a bench and vice in there. There was dust on the floor from cutting some of the tiles with the ‘Abra’ file (which looks like a saw but is in fact a wire-shaped file in a saw frame), the majority were cut upstairs in the wet room using the tile cutter. We had lunch and then we peeled all the apples and cut them ready for cooking. We made two very large Apple Strudels, two large pies and what can only be described as an oversized apple-filled pasty! Two women working in a kitchen is usually a recipe for disaster, friction, argument and whatever else that might, dare I say it, upsets the apple cart! But no, we work very well together in the kitchen these days and we share in whatever tasks there are. I must say that we have been getting on well together in many ways over the last couple of months after a long spell of being not on speaking terms. I think E realizes now that she can be very nasty when she wants to be but it gets her nowhere. Life is far better and enjoyable when she is amiable, both for herself and for me too.
Posted by Shirley Anne on August 24, 2013
Last week E and I were again reconciled after I instigated a little chat. I have to say I had to do something to break the ice for if I was to wait for E to make the first move I get the feeling we would never speak again. She knows now that she was in the wrong and has accordingly apologised. Naturally I accepted the apology and we have mended the rift. She is beginning to act the way she did when we first met and the change is amazing! I must say I have been taken completely by surprise by her new self and I hope she will remain as nice now as she once was toward me. That is all I ask of her. Anyway all this has prompted me to continue with my previously abandoned home projects, the main one being the wet room I had made preparations for some 80 weeks ago. Late on Wednesday morning we drove to the timber yard to purchase some plywood to lay on the existing wooden floor in that wet room and while we were waiting for them to cut the ply for us we did some shopping and stopped at the local Tesco store for a bite to eat as by now it was 1 o’clock. We had visited the store twenty minutes earlier for fuel thinking we could then go on to get the plywood and return directly home but most of the staff at the yard were on their lunch break and we had to arrange to return an hour later. So there we were in the cafeteria tucking into a rather delicious salad sandwich each. I whispered in E’s ear, ‘Don’t say I don’t take you out for lunch’, she smiled. Actually we go out every week together doing just that and had in fact dined out the day before. We finished our lunch and drove back to the timber yard to collect the plywood which had now been cut and was ready for collection. In that brief outing we spent £100. Money goes nowhere these days does it? I didn’t start the work after returning home as I was still feeling a little weak after my recent illness but I planned to begin the work on Thursday morning. Around six in the evening I received a call from the guy whom I had worked for last week who wanted me to do more work in the same office. That’s the way it goes, my job has to take second place to one the earns me money!
Posted by Shirley Anne on August 5, 2013
E and I are still not talking, I’ve had some awkward problems with one of my computers, I have nothing to do that I wish to do, the weather is too stuffy for me and I have no-one to talk to. Other than with these problems I am all right. On two consecutive days this week I have eaten out alone in my local pub. Last week I went on a trip to Liverpool by myself and although I love my old city and how much it has developed over the last few years especially, it isn’t the same when I go there alone. I would much prefer E to have gone with me. Sadly that isn’t going to happen for some time it seems. Most of my life I have been alone. When I was younger it was by choice but after I married I didn’t expect to be ignored and rejected half-way through it. I was married for thirty years! It is a wonder I am not suffering from acute depression due to the way I get treated. I am happiest when I am working and when I am socialising but when I’m doing neither it is hard for me. I have a couple of hobbies and interests but they do not fill my days and I get extremely bored. After I had been to the pub on Friday I went for a walk but the weather was so warm and sunny it became more of a chore than an enjoyment and I felt so drained of energy. I so much prefer it to be cooler. On the plus side, there is always a plus side, I have been able to actually save some money for a change for it seems that whenever I do have cash to save something turns up to prevent it. I am not about to end it all of course, my life is not mine to throw away. It belongs to Jesus. So forgive me if on occasion I feel a little fed up and express it here, I have to get it off my chest somehow. Things can and will get better I am sure, it’s the waiting game I don’t like.
Posted by Shirley Anne on July 27, 2013
The previous two posts majored on the relationships I have with my customers and how much I have been appreciated in what I have done for them. Today, Wednesday as I write this, it happened yet again. I went to a nearby town to do some work for a couple about the same age as myself who lived in the top floor of a ‘maisonette‘. The apartments themselves cover two floors and are surprisingly spacious inside and attractive to look at from the outside, though the gardens need some attention. The work took about three hours and I was paid more than I’d asked with an invitation to return later to do more work. This seems to be the trend for me lately, extra remuneration and more work. When I’d completed the job I had to visit the supplier for some van stock materials as I like to keep basic items in my van for impromptu requests. I offered to take the lady to the supplier and bring her back home as she wanted to purchase some things for herself. She thanked me and came along. When I dropped her off I received a big hug and a kiss on the cheek for being so nice and doing a good job. The following day, Thursday, was just the same. I was replacing an electric shower, not as straightforward as you might think, in fact it was the opposite. It is difficult to fit a new unit in exactly the same place as the old one where the plumbing and the electric cable are set in a tiled wall! I did it though and the lady was well-pleased. I received a bonus there too! It sounds as if I am blowing my own trumpet here but that is far from my thoughts. It is just nice to be appreciated and to let others know how I feel. On the home front however things are not going well because E and I are still not talking. I am taken for granted at home, I know I am but what I do for E has never been for selfish reasons. It hurts me to know that she cannot bring herself to apologise for the things she sometimes says and the attitude she often portrays toward me. All it takes is an admission of thoughtlessness and the three words , ‘I am sorry’ but they never come. E would cut off her own nose to spite her face before saying those words. Over the years I have learned to live with it but it is getting a little tiresome, I love her and she knows that, she’s told me so enough times but she has always found it difficult to reciprocate. That doesn’t matter to me for I don’t expect anything in return when I offer my love. It isn’t about love though, it is about respect and consideration. Her greatest problem is her stubborn heart and in that respect she is very much like her dad was when he was alive, though he was a generous man to his family, me included. So in the meantime I am treading water and keeping a low profile at home and very little is getting done.
Posted by Shirley Anne on July 19, 2013
E and I have been very busy at home as my regular readers know and it has all been possible because of the lack of electrical work to keep me otherwise occupied. I have had some work but not a lot. This Monday however all things have swung the other way, I seem to be suddenly in great demand which is good. I never know what each day is going to bring my way and sometimes that is a good thing but not always as if I allow it, would make any plans I might have go awry. I do like variety in my life though as long as there is some stability mixed-in. I have not worked in the garden for almost a week now, though the work there isn’t complete by a long chalk. This is due to my ill-treatment by E, something I have to suffer every so often it seems. I just switch off and let things alone. So for the moment and as long as I am getting electrical work, I am happy enough and will concentrate on that. Dining out unfortunately has been shelved for the time being too, unless I dine out alone or with others but I cannot be bothered to do that. I sometime get the feeling I should dig out my passport and fly off somewhere for a month, maybe things really would change after that, especially if I go alone! I did an electrical job on Tuesday for the first time in a while except for the one job I did last week and the work was filled with problems but I managed to do what was asked of me, eventually. It’s funny how some jobs can be like that whilst others I get are free of any problems at all. That’s the nature of the work though and I am used to it after 51 years! I guess I could say that I am used to being mistreated too after more than 40 years knowing E. Something has got to change.
Posted by Shirley Anne on April 19, 2013
I know that everyone in this world faces problems of one sort or another at times in their lives and I am no exception to that. Every problem has a solution, not that a problem suddenly disappears, though occasionally that might happen but if it cannot be resolved it must be dealt with in some other way. We can hide from or run away from our problems but that isn’t always a practical thing to do therefore the only thing we can do is face up to them and learn to live with them. I have learnt to live with the things I cannot fix in my life and I am not talking about material things, I am talking about relationships. Some people are easy to get along with, some are not and I have both in my life. Those I do not get along with I try to avoid but tolerate their presence when it is unavoidable and in such cases I have to be careful what I say or do, it’s called diplomacy! However there are those in my own family I sometimes have difficulty with too. I have always been wary of people and was never one to form close relationships until I met E, my former spouse. I loved her from the first time we met and although we are now divorced that remains true. The reasons we divorced are well documented in the pages above so I will not explain here. At one point we were going to go our separate ways but eventually decided to stay together under the same roof. Naturally the relationship we have is not as it once was but there is still a bond of love between us which keeps us together. It hasn’t always been easy living with E because of the way she treats me at times but I try to persevere just as I have always done. I could easily have left her years ago and I often wonder why I didn’t but then realise that I love her too much to be apart from her, even if it has to be the way it is between us. Our is an off and on sort of relationship, much like it has been for most of the years we’ve been together. What happens is this, everything is going well between us and we get along as people should but then her attitude suddenly changes because of something I have done which doesn’t meet with her approval. Now I am not talking about anything I am doing that is nasty but as an example I might pick up the guitar and play a song or two very quietly and she will deliberately make a noise trying to drown the music and then storm out of the room. If I happen to attempt speaking with her when she is watching television or doing things on her computer she makes it known that she is annoyed. I leave the room dejected as usual with my feelings hurt yet again. After a couple of days we are again on speaking terms for a couple of months and something else sets her off and I stay out-of-the-way once more. I never receive an apology but it is always me who heals the wounds between us. I sometimes think she will never change and maybe she won’t but I will never give up on her. I’m at a loss again. Once more I am mistreated, once more we are not speaking. Thoughts spinning around in my head again, not knowing what to do next as I have pretty much exhausted all avenues. All I have left in my ammunition box is love, it’s all I really need though.
Posted by Shirley Anne on April 15, 2013
As is my want I tend these days to dine out once a week if I have the time and it seems I am getting more of that lately. This past week E and I dined out on Tuesday and again on Wednesday just because I felt like it. E doesn’t need much persuasion by the way, which is a good thing. At our time in life what is the point of keeping the boat moored steadfastly to the quay? I didn’t receive a request for work for Thursday or Friday, though I have been asked to work on Monday and Tuesday this week. That meant I had nothing to do and the time was my own. E goes shopping for food on a Thursday and she takes along her mom who can no longer drive to the supermarket herself. That is in a way a bonus for me as I am not keen on shopping for food, only doing so if it is absolutely necessary. I like shopping for clothes and other things but not for groceries. So there we were both of us with nothing much to do on Friday so I mentioned to E that we hadn’t visited a certain eatery for quite some time and that maybe we should go there again soon. Before all of the words had left my mouth E chirped up with, ‘You want to go out don’t you’? She can read me like a kid’s comic. ‘Well’, I said, ‘Let me know if you fancy going out again’ and I left it with her. I had things to do on my computer and around an hour or more later she popped into the room where I was sitting and told me she was going to get ready, meaning she wanted to go for a meal as suggested. E is like that, often never saying things in a direct way but I’ve known her for 41 years now and nothing escapes my understanding of her. She knows me that well too. During her shopping spree she had purchased a bar of dark chocolate by way of a treat for me as she knows I love the stuff. She had placed it in the refrigerator without my knowledge and that same evening, I don’t know what it was but I suddenly felt the desire to eat some dark chocolate and thought to myself that I would buy some the next day. When I mentioned it to E she surprised me by telling me that she had bought some earlier knowing that I liked it. What a coincidence! Either she had a premonition or it was one of those unexplained things that just happen now and then. How lovely of her to have thought about me when she was out shopping. Getting back to Friday, we did go out again to that place and had a lovely afternoon and this time pushing the boat out further than we normally do by having three courses instead of our usual two! Very bad habit to get into I must say, especially if watching the calories and three times in the one week! We finished eating around four o’clock and I ate nothing else until 10.30 the next day, Saturday. I was woken by a telephone call just before 8 o’clock and couldn’t go back to sleep. I wouldn’t mind but the caller didn’t answer my response. I learned later that she had mis-dialed the number and called me by mistake. She was in fact the lady whose job I am doing on Monday. I got up, got dressed for running and went downstairs to spend some time on the treadmill. After a short time I finally got dressed for the day and ate some fruit around 11 o’clock. I wasn’t particularly hungry but I usually find that after doing some exercise. It was after 1 o’clock before I had a proper meal.
Posted by Shirley Anne on February 25, 2013
Don’t want your empty promises
Don’t want a pack of lies
Don’t want your sexy pictures
They only make me cry.
Don’t want you ‘cos you’re lonely
Don’t want your luggage too
Don’t want your hoards of children
I want just only you.
Don’t want a one night stand love
Don’t want a quick fix trip
Don’t want a hollow feeling
I want relationship.
Don’t want a loveless partner
Don’t want a frozen heart
Don’t want to feel rejection
I want a lasting love.
Copyright Shirley Anne 19 Dec 03
Most people want to fall in love and be happy with their partner in a mutually loving relationship but not everyone has those dreams fulfilled do they? Everything may start off right and things go pleasantly for a while then somehow it all goes down the pan with broken hearts and dreams following on behind. When looking for a lasting life relationship we certainly don’t want somebody who’s qualities match those listed in the poem above do we?
Posted by Shirley Anne on December 6, 2012
The last time I ate out was on my birthday, which was 21 November, two weeks ago but it was a spur of the moment thing, I hadn’t planned it. I had been working during the morning and simply didn’t wish to cook at home so on the way home I stopped by my local pub and had a nice dinner there. Usually I treat E to a meal out once and occasionally twice a week but she and I are not on speaking terms yet again. I don’t wish to say anything nasty about E but she does have her moments! It is all about the way she treats me sometimes, like I shouldn’t disturb her when I wish to speak with her or show her something. She has never been one to talk much, especially to me and it used to drive me mad that we couldn’t hold down a discussion about anything except the affairs of day-to-day life. It was an intellectual wasteland, a desert, nothing ever seemed to be of interest to her. I found my life very empty and devoid of any intellectual companionship. I have tried so many times to engage her in meaningful conversation but to no avail. Even when we dine out together I find it hard to talk about any subject knowing she will give me that certain look which says ‘Stop boring me’ if I try. About three weeks ago I wanted to show her something on my computer, not something I do often, in fact I do so very rarely. If she had laser vision like ‘Superwoman‘ my brain would now be burned to a frazzle after the piercing look she gave me! It was that look again! I bowed out of the room feeling rather dejected yet again. I have not spoken to her since. It is such a shame she acts this way with me because I am very loving toward her and often show it. It wasn’t that long ago that we were reconciled after a few months of not speaking to one another for similar reasons. It is always me who breaks the ice, as long as I’ve known her it was never she. I don’t have many friends and those I do have are not close at hand. The family members have all but isolated themselves too, except for my youngest brother none of them bother contacting me. So life at home is pretty much boring most of the time and I feel so isolated because of her attitude toward me. I yearn company and companionship which is why I go to the pub and why I keep trying with E. There may come a time when I won’t bother any more but after 40 years who am I kidding? I think I deserve better.
Posted by Shirley Anne on November 13, 2012
In February of 1989 I became a Christian. The subsequent change in me was dramatic, I was indeed a new creation. The commemorative verse given to me by the pastor of the church where I was baptised was 2 Corinthians 5:17 ‘ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!’ The pastor had no idea that I had written a poem around that verse and neither did he know that I was presenting it as part of my testimony to the church. Furthermore I received a congratulatory card from a friend in which was printed the same verse although she had no idea I was using the same verse in my testimonial presentation either. This meant that my previous life of selfishness, drinking and using foul language together with a host of many more unsavoury attitudes and afflictions simply melted away. I had been born again. This is in fact what the phrase means. My life changed for the better and I grew in my faith. However, as I live in the real world too I was still subject to its temptations and over time I have to confess to giving in to some of them. I didn’t fall away from God or my beliefs but I did wander a little off the straight and narrow path. Since I left my last fellowship in 1998 I have actually grown in my understanding but it was also during this time that I found myself picking up bad habits too. One of those habits was drinking alcohol. I was never one to over-indulge but drinking did have an affect upon me by rendering me less capable than I ought to be but that is what it does, it is a drug. I am constantly renewing my faith and my relationship with God and by His Holy Spirit am reminded of my shortcomings. Last year I wrote a song entitled ‘I’m coming home dear Father’
I’m comin’ home dear Father
I’m comin’ back to you
I’ve done my share of roamin’
And I was so lonesome it’s true.
Wandered from you for a season
For I thought that I would win through
But without your love to guide me
I would just be empty and blue.
Copyright Shirley Anne 2 Oct 2011
It is a song where I am telling God that I am coming back home from my meanderings from Him, a bit like the story of the prodigal son who realised the error in his ways and turned back to his father. I have allowed the sins of this world to overtake me on occasion but now I have come to my senses and have returned to my former love. God has never deserted me, He has never left my side, no, it was me who wandered off and now I realise where I should be. No more alcohol, no more trying to make excuses for my behaviour or trying to justify myself. There is only one way and I am back on that road now. I was created a new being when I came to Christ, I have to remember that fact and keep up the good fight. I must strive to keep the ways of the world at bay. I am no longer my own for I have been bought at a price, I belong to Jesus.
Posted in Behaviour, Christianity, Gods love, Gods love through Jesus, Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit, Relationships, Sin, Well-being | Tagged: Christ, Christian, Christianity, God, HolySpirit, Jesus, Pastor, Second Epistle to the Corinthians, Sin | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Shirley Anne on October 18, 2012
I don’t often go shopping with E which is just as well, she confuses me sometimes. On the rare occasions we find ourselves shopping for food I am told, ‘you don’t need that’ or ‘we have some at home’ and if I do pick something I want as a treat to myself she shows that she does not approve. It doesn’t matter whether I am paying for it or not either. I think she partly resents me being with her when she is shopping for food and that I am incapable of making decisions on what to buy. If I select something she might say, ‘that’s too expensive’, even though I am prepared to pay the price! The strange thing is she often buys things in the weekly shop that we don’t really need. Now shopping for clothes is a completely new ball game. I have taken her with me on occasion when buying clothes, partly for her opinion and partly because I might be treating her to some new clothes which I have done a few times in the past. Asking E her opinion is a little pointless for we do not share the same tastes in clothes. Not to be unkind to her I think I have a better dress sense but sometimes I just want a second opinion. On Monday afternoon I decided to buy the materials I will need to fill in the void above the new roller-shutter door that was fitted a few weeks ago. I drew out a plan on paper and measured the space to be filled then decided how much timber I would need to do the job. E came with me to the builders merchant. Now I had it in mind what dimensions of wood I would need but unfortunately the width I wanted is now no longer supplied which meant two pieces would be needed on one section to make up the dimension required which was 300 mm. We settled on one at 200 mm and the other at 100 mm width to make up the 300 mm required. I also needed another length at 200 mm along with timber to make battens to connect everything together. The guy serving us was very patient and he measured the timber and cut it to length for us. However, E in her usual way started to question why I had asked for two lengths of timber at 200 mm but when I reminded her why it was needed she maintained that I was wrong and the guy was left standing waiting for a decision. Even after I had explained things to her it still didn’t sink in. In the confusion the guy ended up cutting two pieces of 100 mm width timber too when I really only wanted one at that width! I bought it anyway so as not to confuse the poor guy any further as the cost was minimal. I don’t know why I take E with me when purchasing anything as she often causes unnecessary confusion and contradicts what I say but then my trips out would be a lot more boring wouldn’t they? I love her to bits but she drives me nuts sometimes!
Posted by Shirley Anne on October 15, 2012
I treated E to a one day’s belated birthday meal on Friday, her birthday (anniversary of) was on Thursday but she had been invited to dinner by her sister and her mom so couldn’t dine with me. I suppose the ideal would have been dining together with them but I fear that wasn’t possible as I am sure they haven’t yet accepted me after ten years. No matter. Although I treat E to meals out she does the driving. It works well for me as I like a drink with my meals but she doesn’t drink these days, partly because she never was one to drink much and now her medication prevents her doing so. Occasionally she might have a drink at home but that is a rare event too and is always limited to a small glass of Bailey’s or something similar. I on the other hand can drink a full bottle of red wine with no problem. We drove to a place some 12 miles away, a place we often visit but this time we arrived in the early evening as opposed to the middle of the afternoon as we are usually inclined to do. The management of this establishment changed last year and as far as I am concerned, for the better. It is one of those places that has made the conversion from a pub that sold food to a restaurant that doubles as a pub. Whereas before we would find a table then place an order at the bar and later paying the bill in the same way, now it has full waiter/waitress service as you would expect from a restaurant. The menu has changed of course but that is usual anyway and will change again as they see fit, but that too is usual for a restaurant. I have never had a problem in the past with the food that is served as a rule except for one or two minor things. On Friday however the sirloin steak I ordered was a little tough and was served on a cold plate. I didn’t create a fuss over that, it was edible and I was hungry. I suppose I should have called the waitress to complain but that is not my style unless the food is exceptionally bad. Later, when we had finished that course, the waitress approached to see if everything was all right. I told her that the steak had been a little tough and that the plate had been cold, as was E’s plate. She apologised and we left it at that. We ordered dessert, which was unusual for us because we both had a starter course and don’t usually have both a starter and a dessert but we were pushing the boat out as a treat for E. When the meal was over E had a coffee but I still had wine to finish, then we asked for the bill. When we saw the bill we noticed that we hadn’t been charged for my dessert nor for E’s coffee by way of recompense for a poorly presented steak. We thanked the waitress for we hadn’t expected such a response. Our time together was good and E had me in stitches with laughter with some of the things she said. More importantly she had an enjoyable time too, after all it was for her benefit but then it always is when I treat her.
Posted by Shirley Anne on October 10, 2012
Last week E and I dined out again for the first time in over six months. On Monday we dined out again. We hadn’t been exactly on speaking terms for a while and whilst there are still issues I couldn’t let those spoilt our otherwise good relationship any longer. I still hope they can be resolved. It can be expensive dining out or it can be quite inexpensive depending on where we eat. If we go to a carvery the meals themselves are reasonably inexpensive but if we go to a restaurant of course it can cost far more. Generally speaking we spend, or rather I spend, anything between £30 to almost £50 depending on whether I buy a bottle of wine or not. Even so the drinks can be expensive especially some of the soft drinks we sometimes buy. At these prices we can only dine out once a week but occasionally we do so twice, it all depends on how much work I get or if I decide not to save as much each month. Tomorrow will be E’s birthday and we may go out for an evening meal to mark the occasion as opposed to the many day excursions we normally take when dining out. It is nice to be able to afford eating out at least sometimes, eating at home is far cheaper but not as much fun. Well we’ve got to spend the money on something, it’s no use it lying around in a bank!
Posted by Shirley Anne on September 5, 2012
What feelings do you have for me
When I am with you and can feel
The closeness of your body next to mine?
Your breath as sweet as honey dew
When I am in your arms it’s true
Has broken down resistance in my heart.
Your kisses soft upon my lips
And all your loving tenderness
Makes me reveal my eargerness for you.
So your love I reciprocate
For turning back is now too late
I want you more and more each passing day.
If I could have you for my own
I’d tell the world and make it known
How very much in love with you I am.
So if your love is really true
There’s nothing else that you can do
But stay with me and never let me go.
My love for you is very strong
And I know that it can’t be wrong
To love you as I do, you must agree.
But it would really break my heart
If ever we were pulled apart
And never more to share the love we have.
O lover, how I love you so
My love grows stronger and I know
That you’re forever now a part of me.
Copyright Shirley Anne 10 July 03
I remember it very well, the excitement, the passion and the love. It was a time for letting go and submitting to my inmost feelings and allowing myself to be immersed in the intimacy that lovers enjoy together. Sadly those days have long since gone. All that remains are memories of better times. My heart was broken, my feelings were hurt and the love didn’t last, well the physical side of it didn’t last. In my youth I was never interested in love or sex in the slightest and relationships were furthest from my mind. Then love took me by surprise and lasted a while but it didn’t stay the course. Now I have come full circle and that lack of interest returned a few years ago. I was dwelling on my lost love when I wrote the poem above.
Posted by Shirley Anne on August 29, 2012
I sit alone within my room
The day is long, the day is gloom
I fear to speak less I’m put down
And all is quiet, not a sound.
Do I deserve such punishment
When all I need’s a little love?
Is there no cure, is there no hope
For someone with a heart of stone?
Sometimes I wonder why I stay
Believing it will change one day,
And all I do is sit and cry
As time relentlessly goes by.
Copyright Shirley Anne 25 Jan 2011
This is one of many poems I’ve written that relate directly to myself. The many poems in the pages above do not all relate to me as they were written during better times in my life. Some of them were inspired by the experiences of others, whilst some are not connected in any way to anyone. I am a very sensitive person and can easily be hurt. The only thing that keeps me going and living in hope is my relationship with God. With God I know I am truly loved, with people, well that is another matter isn’t it? Sometimes I feel trapped in my circumstances. My ex and I are still somewhat estranged even though we share the same home. The above poem and others like it are a means of expressing my feelings. I live in the hope that things will change as I am an optimist. If I moved away would I be happier? Probably not but even if I wanted to I couldn’t in today’s climate. We had difficulty in selling the house when things were better but now that we are still in a deep recession there is no chance of selling up unless the price was dropped dramatically, which isn’t really a viable option for many reasons. In any case I do not want to move just to have my own space, I have that already! That’s the beauty of a large house, we can get lost in it! My relationship with my ex has always been problematical due to her stubbornness and oft-times refusal to talk about issues. You only have to read my story or some of the more recent of my posts on here to get an idea of what I am saying. I do love her and I suppose that is the only reason I stay and put up with it all. Am I trapped? Well probably but there is always hope isn’t there?
Posted by Shirley Anne on July 28, 2012
I’ve known ‘J’ now for just over thirteen and a half years. We met one evening in a bar in Manchester’s ‘gay’ district, or The Gay Village as it is often called. J and I were transsexuals who met with other transgendered people each week for a night out. J stopped going out there a few months before I did. I was about to undergo my operation and she was embarking on a university course for computer studies. I had been going to Manchester for almost three years and returned there but twice following my operation. J was in denial regarding her gender dysphoria, although I am not certain she was aware of it at the time. We still kept in touch and in more recent times, say the last five years or so she has been invited to family gatherings and meals out as our friend. She gained her university degree after a few years hard work and determination. When she started to visit with us a couple of years ago she confided in me that she was now accepting her gender issues and was intent on going through with the full transition and all that entails. She is making good progress on her journey but the main stumbling block is our country’s NHS system putting too many obstacles in the way. Earlier in the year J left her parents home where she had been living and moved to the south coast at the invitation of a girl called ‘M’ who had just undergone her own operation. J now lives in the same apartment as M. I last saw J a few months ago when she invited me out to her archery club social evening, the last one she would be attending before moving away. She got in touch with me last week saying she would be coming back this way to collect some things from her parents house and at the same time dropping M off in Manchester. M has business interests there. J asked if she could stop over at my house for the evening else she would have to find a room in a hotel. She is always welcome here and has stopped over a few times before. There was no way I would refuse her. So it was she came over. The idea was to go out for a meal and she had been trying to contact me to see if I wanted to eat out. Originally she was to arrive around 5.30 but it was almost three hours later before she did. As we had failed to connect over the phone she decided to eat out alone on the way over! I have to say at this point I was hungry and would have gone out with her. After a couple of hours not hearing from her I grabbed a bite to eat knowing that it would be too late to go out for a meal but not knowing that she was dining out. Never mind, that’s life sometimes. When she did arrive we drank the bottle of red wine she had brought with her. I had already drunk a bottle during the afternoon and early evening! We had a good chat together and caught up on things before she needed to hit the sack. The driving and the high humidity had taken it out of her so she was looking forward to some rest and sleep. J and M are in the picture which is distorted to hide everyone’s identity.
A few of my readers may remember the story I told recently about my son and his wife who were having their first child ‘Christened’. They didn’t know what to do about inviting me along because of the attitude of some members of my family toward me. When they were married I wasn’t invited to the wedding for the same reason and it broke my heart. I wouldn’t speak to them for many months afterward. It appears they have done the same thing again and had the baby Christened without my knowledge of the date. Now J had spoken with E, my ex, whilst she was here and later let it slip to me that the baby had been Christened already. Evidently E had mentioned it. E and I haven’t been on speaking terms for months because of the way she treats me sometimes and it turns out it was E who had raised objections to my presence at the wedding. It doesn’t take much imagination to work out who objected to my presence at the Christening does it? It’s funny how the truth is exposed or more to the point the wickedness of others, even those close to you. I love E dearly but it is extremely difficult living with someone who can be so nasty at times.
J had a good night’s sleep and after a tiny breakfast of melon and tea made her way to the shops en route to her parents house to collect her things and to take her sister out into Liverpool to see a movie before heading to Manchester to collect M and drive back south. I messed about on the computer, had my lunch and took the mile and a half walk into town to visit the banks to deposit some cash before returning directly home. Just as I arrived E was leaving to do the weekly shopping trip with her mom. Not a word was said.