o. Oddlingtonbodies
Lots of useless information and things you really want to know………
** LIFE IN THE 1500′S ***
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be . Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It’s raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometime s knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift). to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..
And that’s the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.’
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
‘What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?’
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1′s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
‘They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s just
come in his shorts.’
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: ‘Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyre choice on World
Superbike racing: ‘Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet
he wished he had a hard on now.’
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
on This Morning: ‘She was practising fastest finger first by herself
in bed last night.’
WINNING Post’s Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s
formidable lead: ‘Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes
what he sees.’
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: ‘Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.’
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: ‘With his lovely soft
hands he just tossed it off.
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.’
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69.’
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott’s breath
away…’My word,’ he said. ‘Look at that magnificent erection.’
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a
big race when he said: ‘They usually have four or five dreams a night
about coming from different positions.’
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob,
where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did
HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they
were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them …. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!’
Metro Radio – ‘Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got
eleven Dicks on the field.’
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse.
I once rode her mother.’
New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.’
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’ 
Email etiquette for men…..
1 – Write like an eight-year-old
An email written entirely in lower-case letters, crammed with spelling and grammatical mistakes, is as much of a turn-on as a sockful of cheese. It says: “I couldn’t care less, so I’m writing this whilst picking my toenails.” And let’s not even start on TXT SPK, which suggests that you are below the age of 10. Also beware of littering your emails with smiley faces and other emoticons. The occasional wink or smiley is friendly, but ending every sentence with a grinning face makes you look like an over-eager prat who’s unable to get his point across in actual words.
2 – Write an essay
Epic love letters are great when they’re written by a talented word-minstrel to the one he loves (and who loves him back… or at least fancies the pants off him). But a babbly email to a woman you hardly know is just inbox blockage. It says: “I’ve got THIS much time on my hands, so I am going to stalk you.” At best, she’ll set your email aside and probably never open it again. A long email is intimidating because she feels pressured to respond in kind, and, unless she really likes you, she won’t bother. As a rule of thumb, keep your emails short and light. If she has to scroll down to read any of it, it’s too long. Same goes for text messages – keep them to one window.
3 – Cut-n’-paste
Some men take the scattergun approach to online dating. They craft an introductory letter of appetite-whetting fabulousness, send the same thing to every woman on their chosen dating site, and then wonder why they don’t get any replies. A woman can sniff a cut-n’-paste job from 100 paces. These letters are annoyingly long (see above) and don’t refer to anything specific about her profile. They say to her: “I am lazy, desperate and no more interested in you than in the next woman, and the next one, oh and her as well.” An effective introductory email comprises a couple of lines, picking up on something in her profile and connecting with it or asking her more about it.
4 – See her silence as a come-on
Every woman who’s tried online dating will have encountered at least one man who just keeps on writing, even though she’s never written back. Gents, we’re flattered if you send a couple of emails telling us how wonderful we sound. If you send seven, we will block you and tell all our friends that you are a freak. We are not, for pity’s sake, “playing hard to get” (a notion that I’d like to ban from the lexicon of love immediately). If we are interested, we will let you know. If we aren’t, we won’t write back. Got it? Good.
5 – Ask for photos. Then ask for more photos
If you’ve never met in person, you’re bound to be curious. But don’t push it. It tells her that you’re only interested in how she looks, and this will make any woman feel insecure, if not put her off for good. Why not just meet up? Too many online daters get caught up in long email exchanges before they meet, setting themselves up for disappointment. You can really only judge chemistry in person, and you should know after a couple of emails and one or two photos whether you want to meet. (By the way, if you ask for her weight and measurements, you will continue to be single.)
6 – Press her to talk on the phone
A lot of people are pretty shy about talking on the phone, let alone to someone they haven’t met, so don’t press the point or get offended if she’s not keen. Email is a more relaxed way to get to know each other, and it’s probably best to leave the phone calls for after you’ve met.
7 – Suggest things to do – but never set a date
Sadly, some chaps seem terrified of making any plans that extend beyond meeting for a beer in half an hour. If a woman asks to meet up next Thursday, she is not asking you to marry her and fill her with babies. She just has a busy life and needs to plan around it. It’s horribly common for commitment-phobes to suggest some fun thing to do together, but then to run away like a rabbit dodging traffic as soon as the woman asks “when?”. 
Grow some cojones and learn to make plans – she’ll love the idea that she’s in your diary.
Thanks for this one John………….
Dear Employees
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from
some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no
longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of
being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
colleagues. Therefore, a list of New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases
have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
01.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training.
Instead Of:
You don’t have a f***ing clue, do you?
02.
Try Saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She’s a f***ing power-crazy b*tch.
03.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late.
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
04.
Try Saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole.
05.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole.
06.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.
07.
Try Saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.
08.
Try Saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?
09.
Try Saying:
I’m not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.
10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in.
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
11.
Try Saying:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
Instead Of:
He’s got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.
13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
14.
Try Saying:
I don’t think it was supposed to turn out like that.
Instead Of:
I see the f**k up fairy has visited again then.
15.
Try Saying:
Sorry – I didn’t quite catch that.
Instead Of:
What the f**k are you wittering on about this time?
16.
Try Saying:
Do you really think so?
Instead Of:
No sh*t Sherlock.
17.
Try Saying:
Do you think that’s appropriate work wear for the office? Instead Of: Have
you seen the f**king state of that?
18.
Try Saying:
There is a cleaner required in the lavatories.
Instead Of:
I’d give that a while!!!
19.
Try Saying:
He’s / she’s quite attractive.
Instead Of:
I’d do it.
20.
Try Saying:
He does have a tendency to procrastinate.
Instead Of:
He’s so f**king boring, I am losing the will to live.
21.
Try Saying:
It’s so nice to be in a busy office environment.
Instead Of:
Why don’t you all just shut the f**k up.
Thank you Jakkie for this gem………….
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter. The dispenser for the modern “seat covers” (invented by someone’s mom, No doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn’t – - so you carefully, but quickly, drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume “The Stance.” In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold “The Stance.” To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the EMPTY toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mom’s voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “OCCUPIED!” you scream, as you reach for the door dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly on the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, “You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.
You are soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
Now, you can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it into the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s rest-room. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public rest-room(REST??? – You’ve got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the rest-room in pairs.
It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
Another of life’s mysteries solved….
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes…
when you cry…
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes…
when you are in pain…
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile …
But FART !! Just ONE time…
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
John Cleese: To the citizens of the United States of America…….
* In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
* Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
* Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
* To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
* You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’, ‘colour’, behaviour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them?
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
Crazy customs from across the globe…….
Great Britain
The country that gave the world elevensies, cricket and trainspotting has a whole host of laws made obsolete by the passing of time. Therefore, it is still legal to murder a Welshman- so long as you do it with a longbow and stand on the walls of Chester Castle- while you can use a policeman’s hat to urinate – but only if you’re pregnant. Oh, and try to avoid dying in the Houses of Parliament – you might just be arrested
France
Ah, romantic France. Should you meet an attractive local during your sojourn however, pay heed to the following: 1) It is illegal to kiss on railway tracks. 2) If you wish to buy flowers for your amante, make sure there are no chrysanthemums or white lilies (exclusively for funerals) or red carnations (used to invoke ill-will) and that there aren’t thirteen of them in total (a bad omen). 3) If you gift her a pig, don’t name it Napoleon.
China
Try to avoid saying the number four in public. The reason? The word for four, si, is the same as the word for death. Mobiles which include the number on their touch pad are usually left unsold on the shelf, while the fourth floor of a building will often simply not exist, a jump to the fifth floor instead occurring. The phenomena is known as tetraphobia.
Indonesia
Indonesia is a hot destination on account of its spicy food and pristine beaches and temples. Don’t get too carried away though. Although it’s fine to do it discreetly in the confines of your hotel room, masturbation in public places in Indonesia is punishable by decapitation. Lose your head in public and you might just well, erm, lose your head…
Ecuador
In a country as traditionally-attired as Ecuador, you might believe the best way to fit in is by donning the local costume. A colourful llama-wool poncho and hat, for instance. But you’d be wrong. Ecuadorians find this very insulting to their cultural heritage. Furthermore, they resent having their photo taken and will demand a small tip in exchange. It would be seen as imprudent to reject such an overture.
Morocco
Whilst in Morocco make sure you say ‘bismallah’ (‘in the name of Allah’) to your toilet before seeking relief. There might just be a djinn (genie) in there. Mentioned in the Koran, the djinn is a mischievous creature made of smokeless fire that likes to inhabit unclean places. They are thought to whisper to humans in an attempt to get them to do bad things. You’ve been warned…
India
India gave the world many culinary delights, including the curry. Indians tend to eat with bare hands and use their left hand to wipe their bottom. So don’t be surprised if you’re frowned upon (or worse) for holding food (especially someone else’s) in your left hand…
South Korea
Last year over six million tourists visited South Korea, home to Seoul and its huge Gyeongbokgung Palace. It can get stiflingly hot in summer months and in cheaper hotel rooms the only respite is an electric fan. Do not under any circumstances leave a fan running overnight however. South Koreans believe it causes suffocation, hypothermia, poisoning, or even all of the above at the same time. The phenomenon, taken very seriously indeed, is called fan death.
Tennessee, USA
Our neighbours across the Atlantic have a whole pantheon of curious local laws and Tennessee is king when it comes to those of a hunting variety. It’s legal to shoot at a whale from a moving car, but using a lasso to catch a fish is strictly prohibited. As for skunks, feel free to catch one, but make sure you don’t carry it across state lines. You skunk smuggler, you.
Alabama, USA
While in Alabama, famous for its scenic waterways, don’t bring a fake moustache along to a church service- you’ll be arrested if it makes someone laugh. Meanwhile, in Anniston, blue jeans are prohibited, as is spilling salt on a railtrack. Oh, and there’s no selling peanuts beyond dusk anywhere in the state. You’ve been told.
—ll—
FEW things are not banned from football grounds these days. The chants of old have been replaced by the steward’s shrill command “Sit down”. Anrosk looks at Ten thigns banned form our grounds:
PARROTS
A PARROT was banned from Hatfield Town for imitating the referee’s whistle during a crunch match between local rivals Hatfield Town and Hertford Heath.
To the semi-final of the Hertfordshire Senior Centenary Trophy, and all eyes on the woman who has brought the parrot to the match in a cage.
Ten minutes into the second-half it began mimicking the referee’s whistle, causing confusion on and off the pitch.
Says Referee Gary Bailey:
“I’ve never known anything like it in my football career. It was a big game and there were quite a lot of people there. This woman was standing right by the touchline and suddenly unveiled a big cage with this big green parrot in it.
“I didn’t mind at first. But then every time I blew my whistle the bird made exactly the same sound. The players all stopped so I had to ask her to move the parrot. It was bizarre. The crowd were all laughing. Looking back I should have made far more of it and got out my red card to show to the parrot.”
The game ended in a 5-2 result in favour of The Hertford Heath.
INFLATABLES
The craze for taking inflatable objects to football grounds is said to have been trigged by one Frank Newton, a Manchester City fan who attended a match against Plymouth Argyle in 1987 with a single inflatable banana…
Frank decided to remove his regulation City shirt and for the want of anywhere else to put it, put it on the banana. Within a few minutes a face had been drawn and a bobble hat completed the effect…
Just like Frank, the banana followed City all over the country and became a well-known figure on the terraces. At West Brom in November, City fans called for the appearance of substitute Imre Varadi. The chant mutated and he was henceforth known affectionately as “Imre Banana”…
It was the 1988/89 football season that saw the inflatables craze really take off…. Frank had moved up to a six-foot crocodile but the rest of the fans had caught up with him. At a pub outside Hull he was joined by fans carrying a toucan, a seven foot golf club, a spitfire, a Red Baron and two bananas. At the ground there were still more: parrots, gorillas, panthers and literally hundreds of bananas…
The movements reached it apogee in 1987 when four fans appeared at West Bromwich Albion’s ground carrying an inflatable paddling pool. Sharks and penguins were both represented. (Arsenal fans favoured the inflatable fried egg.)
At one end of the terrace stood Godzilla. Six foot tall, green and mean, this dinosaur was a match for anybody. At the other end of the terrace stood Frankenstein’s Monster. Slowly they bagan to converge towards the centre of the terrace. The crowd roared.
Source
THE HOKEY COKEY
According to one SNP MP, the Hokey Cokey is an historic example of anti-Catholicism.
It is thought the dance ridicules the gestures used during services and that the words are a parody of the Latin “hoc est enim corpus meum”, which means “This is my body”.
It is understood that some football fans’ websites have been discussing reviving the song and adopting it in a sectarian manner.
Michael Mathieson MSP urged football clubs and authorities to take action if it is performed in the stands.
Mr Mathieson agreed that to most people it was an innocent song and dance. However, he added: “Its origins are more sinister and are essentially anti-Catholic. It is important that the police and clubs are aware of the sinister background and take appropriate action against individuals and groups who may use it at matches.”
Fans can see the hideous lyrics on the Tweenies website, and take care not to their wholeselves in lest their wholeselves be thrown out.
Source
JOHN MAJOR
In 1996, James Williams was barred from Manchester City’s match at Wimbledon until he took off his John Major mask.
PARACHUTING
The member of the Parachute Regiment’s Red Devils – named only as Ben by Lancashire Fire and Rescue Service – watched as six colleagues successfully landed on the pitch to present the match ball at Burnley FC’s Turf Moor ground.
Ben caused a 45-minute delay at a football stadium by accidentally landing on the roof.
Parachuting is now banned in football stadia.
Source
(In the US, men parachuted into wrong football stadium:
Duke officials were a bit surprised when, at 6 p.m. EDT on Saturday, about an hour before the scheduled kickoff of their game against James Madison, two men parachuted into Wallace Wade Stadium and landed at the 35-yard line with a game ball.
“In about five years, maybe this will be funny,” Steinbacher said. “Right now, I’m just glad no one was hurt.”)
Credits: Anorak.co.uk
The passage below contains no repetitions of words.
After the aforementioned veritable obnoxious undulating excursions into an indescribably infectious and dangerously debilitating romantically inclined superfluously endowed extraordinary extravaganzas, which, notwithstanding caused overwhelming nausea, violent, virulent madness culminating, as it did in every conceivable corporate way to teach us about our often frail, diminutive, indistinct inadequacies forthcoming but typical, results from such escapades never before taken eagerly with innocent meanderings for people not aquainted nor experienced intellectually, manually without forethought or otherwise seemingly mindless animated difficulties expected, therefore resulting predictably, I might say, towards obvious outcomes very painfully slow then inevitably spiralling downwards until stopped by agonisingly excruciating manipulations of involuntary bodily functions overcoming inmost thoughts relieving burdensome dire feelings, most unusual related circumstances covering a host, at this time, meaningless expressions thoughtlessly described herein giving each external encounter overall needless agonising reports too verbally horrifying ear-wise, we left forthwith reluctantly expressing quite rightly all hitherto misgivings manifested.
Shirley Anne.
In Italy a man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.
In Scotland it is against the law to be drunk in possession of a cow.
In England impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner is illegal.
In Switzerland it is illegal to hang your washing out on a Sunday.
In Boston, Massachusetts it is illegal to kiss in front of church!
In Denver, Colorado it is considered unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbour.
Every fifth song on Canadian radio must be by a Canadian-born citizen, which means Celine Dion and Bryan Adams get played very often.
In Holland it is illegal to sell beer and wine on Sunday, but mixed drinks are available by the glass.
In France it is a crime for an owner of pig to call his swine Napoleon.
In Iceland it is permissable for anyone to practice medicine as long as he/she displays a sign that reads Scottulaejnir, which translates as ‘quack doctor’.
All Englishmen over 14 years old are meant to carry out about two hours of longbow practice a week under the supervision of the local clergy.
In Singapore, if convicted of dropping litter three times, the law-breaker has to clean the streets on Sundays wearing a sign saying, ‘I am a litterer’. This punishment will then be broadcast on the local news.
In Lidenhurst, USA it is illegal for a woman to give a man a perm.
In Oklahoma City it is against the law to throw snowballs.
In Lebanon men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
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