After a cold and quite miserable weekend it was refreshing to have a much better day on Monday. The sun was shining and it was a little bit warmer, not much but enough to be noticed. According to the forecast the week ahead was only going to improve with temperatures around 10 C. I had spent the afternoon at the pub on Sunday to cheer myself up and treating myself to a meal in the process. I had done no work at home or elsewhere over the weekend and was ready for any work that might come my way. I did one small job on Monday morning which has led to more work in the near future, to install a power outlet and to replace a floodlight. I appeared to have made a good impression on the couple who I was visiting. They had moved to Southport last year having lived their whole lives in Manchester some 40 miles away though I didn’t ask why. Southport is a small town compared to Manchester which is a large city more like London. Anyway I sorted out their problem which had been a fault in the switches controlling the light in their lounge and returned home. Before I went indoors I got the kneeling stool from the garage and dug out a few bluebells that had appeared in three of the flowerbeds in the front garden. They just don’t give up do they? I went indoors and prepared some vegetable and chicken stew and while doing so received calls for more work. Things are looking up. The extra cash will come in handy as I have annual vehicle expenses to fund at the end of this month, MOT and service with any repairs that might ensue together with insurance and road fund licence to pay for. The afternoon? I was called out to yet another small job and was able to put some more cash into my ‘piggy bank’ and later received more requests for work. As the weather improves I will make the effort to finish digging out the bluebells in the rear garden, well the bulk of them at least. I know there will be more.
E and I are still not talking, I’ve had some awkward problems with one of my computers, I have nothing to do that I wish to do, the weather is too stuffy for me and I have no-one to talk to. Other than with these problems I am all right. On two consecutive days this week I have eaten out alone in my local pub. Last week I went on a trip to Liverpool by myself and although I love my old city and how much it has developed over the last few years especially, it isn’t the same when I go there alone. I would much prefer E to have gone with me. Sadly that isn’t going to happen for some time it seems. Most of my life I have been alone. When I was younger it was by choice but after I married I didn’t expect to be ignored and rejected half-way through it. I was married for thirty years! It is a wonder I am not suffering from acute depression due to the way I get treated. I am happiest when I am working and when I am socialising but when I’m doing neither it is hard for me. I have a couple of hobbies and interests but they do not fill my days and I get extremely bored. After I had been to the pub on Friday I went for a walk but the weather was so warm and sunny it became more of a chore than an enjoyment and I felt so drained of energy. I so much prefer it to be cooler. On the plus side, there is always a plus side, I have been able to actually save some money for a change for it seems that whenever I do have cash to save something turns up to prevent it. I am not about to end it all of course, my life is not mine to throw away. It belongs to Jesus. So forgive me if on occasion I feel a little fed up and express it here, I have to get it off my chest somehow. Things can and will get better I am sure, it’s the waiting game I don’t like.
I seem very much ‘out of sync.’, not synchronised, awkward in my days, messed up in my routines, sometimes feeling elated at the thought but often feeling down and rather bored much of the time. I find I have plenty of time on my hands but lack something to do which is a contradiction in terms as I really do have plenty to do, if I want to get on with it. I need motivation and especially support, both sadly lacking at the moment. I am finding that I would rather do something else half the time. I like company and when I am alone I sometimes brood a little. I do not know how some folk manage to live by themselves, no companion to talk with but only their own thoughts to get them through the days. I like my own company but only for a short while and to have only myself as company would drive me mad. Strange as it may seem I find I work better when left alone but I like the thought of having assistance close to hand should I need it. When at home doing a job of work I like E to be at home to give support and assistance if she can and if I need it but outside of the home I prefer to be left alone to do a job. In both situations I work better and I also work better when under pressure. If I’ve a full copy-book (not likely these days) I am at my best. It seems the more I have on my plate the better I like it. I suppose you could say that I am driven to work. I sometimes feel I should get out of the house and go somewhere but find I am at a loss as to where that somewhere might be! In a few weeks time E and I will be taking a journey down south for a few days, not a holiday as such but a break of sorts and I am happy about that, however I will probably get bored after a day or so and will want to be doing something else. I am quite easily satisfied just sitting in the pub chatting to people and if I get the chance to do that I shall be happy enough. To be quite frank, I don’t know what I want, happy to go somewhere, happy to be somewhere yet wanting to be elsewhere and doing something different. I am all mixed-up. I have no real goals in life now, nothing that I feel I want to do. I know of people who have ‘bucket lists’ of activities, journeys and experiences they simply must enjoy before they depart from this world as though they will be fulfilled and satisfied only if they empty their bucket. The problem with that is there is always something else left to do. They will never be satisfied. Life is for living, it is true but to be endlessly seeking thrills and excitement to fill your life is pointless, the material world will never satisfy the soul. I am one of the ‘been there, done that and got the T shirt’ brigade, up to a point that is but now those desires do not fill my thoughts. Material things hold no real interest for me, they are simply a means to an end and I know I could live my life without many of the things in my possession. I am having a hard time filling in the blanks and feel I should be doing something worthwhile instead of just hanging around doing nothing. In some ways I feel trapped, actually I have felt this way for many years. I lead a pretty much routine life but even that is being disrupted now and I feel so out of sync. as a result. Sleep patterns are all over the place and unless I have work scheduled it doesn’t matter one iota. As I mentioned earlier I can feel elated over the fact that I am not tied to a clock. Perhaps it is a yearning within to quit working altogether but I know I am not ready to do that.
I sit alone within my room
The day is long, the day is gloom
I fear to speak less I’m put down
And all is quiet, not a sound.
Do I deserve such punishment
When all I need’s a little love?
Is there no cure, is there no hope
For someone with a heart of stone?
Sometimes I wonder why I stay
Believing it will change one day,
And all I do is sit and cry
As time relentlessly goes by.
Copyright Shirley Anne 25 Jan 2011
This is one of many poems I’ve written that relate directly to myself. The many poems in the pages above do not all relate to me as they were written during better times in my life. Some of them were inspired by the experiences of others, whilst some are not connected in any way to anyone. I am a very sensitive person and can easily be hurt. The only thing that keeps me going and living in hope is my relationship with God. With God I know I am truly loved, with people, well that is another matter isn’t it? Sometimes I feel trapped in my circumstances. My ex and I are still somewhat estranged even though we share the same home. The above poem and others like it are a means of expressing my feelings. I live in the hope that things will change as I am an optimist. If I moved away would I be happier? Probably not but even if I wanted to I couldn’t in today’s climate. We had difficulty in selling the house when things were better but now that we are still in a deep recession there is no chance of selling up unless the price was dropped dramatically, which isn’t really a viable option for many reasons. In any case I do not want to move just to have my own space, I have that already! That’s the beauty of a large house, we can get lost in it! My relationship with my ex has always been problematical due to her stubbornness and oft-times refusal to talk about issues. You only have to read my story or some of the more recent of my posts on here to get an idea of what I am saying. I do love her and I suppose that is the only reason I stay and put up with it all. Am I trapped? Well probably but there is always hope isn’t there?
On Thursday morning I had to keep an appointment with a lady who lives a couple of miles from me. She needed some electrical work doing and she had telephoned me a couple of days previously apologising for the state of her house in advance. Now I work in all sorts of places and have seen almost every situation you could imagine when doing my job. There was only ever one time whereby I refused to work in a house. The house had been let into apartments and the task was to completely rewire the whole house. At that time, around 45 years ago, I was working for the local electricity supply authority. I visited the premises and immediately left to telephone the depot that I was refusing to work in the house. The house was an absolute mess, it stank of stale urine in most of the rooms, there was evidence of cockroaches and mice dotted about and how anyone could have lived there was beyond me. My supervisor came to see what the problem was and agreed with me that I shouldn’t have to work in such conditions and the job was cancelled. There has only been one other incident that came anywhere near that one and that was when I visited an old lady a year or two back to do some small jobs for her. I wrote about it on here. She had a house full of cats that were left to come and go as they pleased and left a mess everywhere, and I mean a mess! Her house was filthy and neglected too just as she was. I felt sorry for that old lady because she had a mental problem, no-one to help her and she refused any help she might otherwise have received from the authorities, although I blame them for not being more forceful in seeing that she got the help she required. So two very dirty households, the former being by far the worse. The owners of the first house were just being lazy and were quite capable of getting the property habitable whereas the old lady was not really responsible due to her mental condition. When I went to do the job on Thursday I wasn’t quite sure what to expect but as it turned out the house just needed cleaning out properly and some money being spend on redecoration. Her situation, having been divorced some years back, had left her financially at a loss with two sons to rear. Her sons were now young adults, one with a good job but the other suffering with Asperger Syndrome, never leaving his room. This I could see was a burden to her and the reason she found herself in such a predicament. She was struggling to get things done simply because she was short of cash. She expected my fee to be much more than I actually charged her and I guess that came as a relief. I took her with me to the electrical supplier to purchase a couple of items we needed to complete the job and we chatted much along the way. She kept telling me that it was so good to be able to chat with a woman for a change. I assumed from that remark that she had no access to female company in her daily life and was finding it difficult. I had wondered why she followed my every move around the house but then I realised that she was simply seeking some company. I finished my work there and returned home for lunch. No sooner had I finished eating I received another request from a woman seeking help with her faulty lights, two of them were not working. I had planned on spending the afternoon at the pub but I went to the house and had the problems sorted out within the hour. It was around 3.30 before I finally set out for my walk to the pub. However, my next-door neighbour was out in her front garden and I found myself chatting with her for the next fifty minutes or so before finally setting off again. When I did arrive at the pub there were only a few people there. I bought my drinks and sat at a table facing the bar. I spent a couple of hours just sitting there watching people going to and fro. As people came in I was acknowledged by most of them as most people who go there know me either by sight or personally. I ended up chatting with many of them and then later in the evening we had the weekly pub quiz. I sat with some friends during that time but just before it was time to count the points to find out who had won I put on my coat, wished everyone goodnight and left! ‘I’ve had enough’, I said, ‘I’m going home’! Although I’d had a lovely afternoon, well late afternoon, and a lovely evening too, I just got bored with it all and had to leave. This is the sort of thing that happens to me sometimes and the reason why I lose interest and cannot be bothered at times as I have written about a day or so back. Occasionally, as the saying goes, my get up and go has got up and left!
At a clients house the other day I was asked why I was acting so cheerfully despite the problems I was having doing a certain job for her. My reply was that it wouldn’t make any difference whether I was annoyed or not, the problem would still remain and I would still have to get round it! I told her that I don’t get upset or annoyed with pretty much everything these days because if I did it would only be me who suffered but there are still some things that I find annoying. What is the point in getting all worked up over things you have no control over though? It just isn’t worth it. I have to say at this point that I have a page on this site dedicated to ‘Annoying things’, those things which indeed do annoy me at times but the main thing is I don’t get upset about them as perhaps I once did. Annoying they may still be but more of an irritation and something we all have to live with and endure at times. There is nothing wrong about having things that annoy, it’s how we react to them that matters. One of my pet dislikes in life are bad drivers, those who cannot handle their vehicles safely, responsibly or skilfully and those who think the rules apply to everyone else but themselves. I dislike aggressive drivers and those who think they own the road. Whilst out driving recently I came across a section of road, about a mile of it, that had a revised speed limit imposed upon it reducing the speed from 40 to 30 miles per hour. The change has been well signposted and reminding signs are dotted along the route affected so there is no excuse for disobedience. The road itself is a major trunk route between my town and the next one some seven miles away and is quite busy at certain times of the day. I observed the speed limit as I drove through the section of road affected but was being tail-gated by a larger vehicle whilst doing so. As the speed limit reverted to 40 miles per hour I increased my speed accordingly but the opportunity to overtake me was there at this point and the following driver couldn’t get passed me quickly enough. As he overtook my vehicle he had to exceed the 40 mph restriction and he then accelerated away at something like 20 mph faster than I was travelling which was 40 mph. The sad thing was that I caught up with him a half mile ahead as he was stuck in a queue of traffic at the next junction. I was in the inside lane driving through and he was in the outside lane to turn right. The point was he had ignored the speed limit and it hadn’t made any difference at all but it could have resulted in someone being injured through his negligence. That sort of driving annoys me but as I am unable to do anything about such incidences I never let it get to me. I won’t allow someone elses bad habits ruin my day. I got the awkward and annoying job done through persistence, perseverance and by having a jovial attitude to it all.
Just a small post today, I haven’t felt up to writing much in the last few days as you will have gathered from my previous post and the main reason is that lately I have been finding it difficult to get interested in anything. It isn’t depression although being in this state of mind would indicate a depressed personality, a detour from my usual self, so I suppose looking at it that way I could be seen as somewhat depressed. However if it is depression it isn’t clinical depression. A simpler way to look at it is to say I have been in the valley rather than walking on top of the hill. Life does have its ups and downs but fortunately my ups are more frequent than my downs. Today marks the beginning of another week (although that day is really Sunday) and I am sure I shall be climbing up to the top of that hill. I have no idea what the week has in store, who does? I have nothing planned, nothing prepared, nowhere to go, nothing to do and all the time in the world to do it! At least I am feeling a lot better. Do I need a change of scenery? No. Do I need someone in my life? No. Do I need sympathy? No. Am I anxious? No. Do I really need anything? No. Do I need to be understood? Probably. Am I expecting that something will happen? Always!
Post script: Yesterday, apart from I think 1 or 2 matches to be played in the lower divisions, marked the end of the current football season. There was much jubilation for some and much sadness for others. I had kept an occasional eye on the television sports program but was doing something else on the computer. I had it in mind to visit the pub, the first time since Tuesday but I knew it would be packed with football supporters. I have nothing against football supporters of course but I don’t go to the pub to sit in such a noisy environment unless it happens to be a party so I left it until early evening before going. There were still many folk there watching the replays and commentaries but after an hour most of them left. I was sitting alone, although there were many people there whom I knew. I got talking to a guy who was visiting the town for a few days and we were getting along quite well. He passed a remark saying how glad he was that he had visited the pub and how much he enjoyed my company. I was just being me! A short while later another local guy came in with a girlfriend, not, he was quick to tell me, a romantic affair! Well I know he is married. She and I got along like a house on fire and we were having a ball. I think I might have caused her to suffer stomach pains after keeping her laughing for so long. I have a way with words as they say but I was only telling her about some of my escapades in life! I had a great time and in the process made two new friends. I am glad I went and now all that I’ve written in the above post can be put into the past and forgotten about. I hope the next time I lose interest in things will be a long time coming. Didn’t I say I was expecting something to happen?
Every once in a while this returns to me like an old friend who wants to keep me company. What is it? It’s my ‘cannot be bothered’ phase. I get these feelings every so often. Nothing is of interest and the things I do become boring. I don’t seem able to want to be involved in anything and I don’t know why. I am not depressed, in fact I am quite happy, it’s just that well, I cannot be bothered! I could fill my life with all sorts of things to keep me interested but find I want to simply lounge around with a bottle of wine and do nothing. Even work has become a chore. On Thursday, as I write this, I went out to do a small job in the morning and returned shortly after. I potted about the house aimlessly. I cooked the chicken that was in the fridge and went downstairs to spend a little time on the treadmill. Afterwards I played some guitar but got bored doing that. I had my lunch, played around on the computer, watched television and opened a bottle of wine. Thursday night at the pub is quiz night but I couldn’t be bothered going, besides which by that time I’d already had enough to drink! I had no plans for the rest of the week and didn’t really want any. I’ll snap out of it, I usually do but whilst I am feeling this way I don’t even think about such things. Maybe in a day or so things will be different, maybe they won’t, I’m not bothered. The last few posts were written a few days ago which is just as well I suppose else I’d not have been bothered writing them otherwise.