What a restless night I had on Wednesday-Thursday! I had gone to bed around 10.30 and woke at 1.30 and again at 4.00 for toilet visits. On the second visit I was so restless I ended up washing clothes! I had been dreaming about a bully doing what bullies do and this one had been taunting and annoying me: I was a youngster in the dream. In real life I was bullied quite a lot (in my pages above) but in this dream I’d had enough and I challenged the bully. He was always trying to goad me into fighting with him but this time I turned, grabbed one of his hands which was clenched and twisted it with all my might until he had to give up in submission. He didn’t bother me again, at least in the dream! I returned to bed and fell asleep, not wakening until just before 8 o’clock. I had no work scheduled and nothing to do at home that could be done. After breakfast I played guitar and went for a walk but on my treadmill as I wanted to be available should anyone want my services. Nobody did. Just before lunch E’s nephew called and he climbed the scaffolding tower to inspect the roof. He climbed the other scaffolding tower to inspect the other end of the roof too and talked about what needed to be done. ‘At last’, I thought but progress is slow and going nowhere fast. I shouldn’t complain, I know it will all get sorted in the end. Earlier in the day I received a call from the company who will be installing the bedroom furniture. They will deliver the materials on Friday (two days ago) but will not now be able to begin the work until this coming Thursday instead of Tuesday. Two steps forward and one step back. E went out to do the shopping and I decided to spend the time baking a rich fruit cake. I should have known there would be a setback as nothing seems to be simply going forward. I had the mixture ready to receive the eggs but guess what? I only had one egg! I was not using the recommended number of eggs which would be eight of the standard size but I intended to use only four though of a large size. I called my neighbour to see if she had any eggs but alas she hadn’t any either. I put everything aside until E returned later knowing she would have bought eggs. I invited my neighbour round for a coffee and a chat. E didn’t return until almost six o’clock at which time I finished the cake mixture and hurriedly put the cake in the oven. It would take four and a half hours to bake as it required a fairly low oven temperature (300 F or 155 C) but as the oven is fan assisted the temperature was set even lower at 140 C. It would be almost eleven o’clock before the cake was baked. You cannot hurry the process, a bit like the work around the house at the moment!
E and I are still not talking. It seems to be a regular thing these days and to be honest I am just about fed up with it all. I try my best but I often get mistreated anyway. So it is at the moment that we are not dining out together until things change. I have not had any electrical work for quite a few days now as I write this on Wednesday evening. The weather is gradually getting better with each new day and today, Wednesday, it has been gloriously sunny though the wind is still a little on the cool side. The only consolation is the wind speed has dropped considerably and it is dry too. Over the last few days I haven’t eaten breakfast for a few reasons. Firstly I have been taking advantage of having no scheduled work and getting to stay in bed a little longer which means by the time I do get downstairs it is getting late in the morning. Maintenance routines for a woman do take time and there is no real rush to get downstairs when I am not working. Secondly as I am not doing much in the way of work I don’t need the extra calories and thirdly on the same point I am trying to reduce the little tummy I have developed through eating too much and not being as active! Naughty girl I am but now the tummy is now much flatter than it was a week ago. I have been exercising too, either on the treadmill or out walking. So on Wednesday I decided to go for a walk for an hour or so returning via my local pub for lunch, my first meal of the day but I didn’t wish to eat too early. During my walk I passed along a route that has maintained flower and shrub beds, one that has been part of Southport since Victorian times. The stretch of road I am talking about is called by the unflattering name of ‘Rotten Row‘ and until a few years ago sported flower beds on both sides of the road. Sadly one of those beds has disappeared because of the recession and I don’t think it will ever be replaced. During the summer months the flower beds are awash with colour but at this time of year the only flowering plants are snowdrops, crocuses and daffodils. They are still nice to look at despite their small numbers. I was admiring them as I went along, each flower pointed in the general direction of the sun. Except for one daffodil which was the wrong way round! Maybe it was nocturnal! As I walked further there is a well-known local Chinese restaurant called ‘Ho Lee Chow’ half-way up the road. I always think it should be ‘Holy Cow’ but I don’t know why! It just sounds as though it should. Alongside the restaurant is a small driveway to the tennis courts and some folk leave their vehicles there and take their dogs for walks in the park (the same park where the Southport annual flower show is held). As I approached the driveway a red pick-up truck was coming out and the driver waved me to cross but I didn’t. Instead I stopped by his cab and spoke with him. He was a friend I hadn’t seen for some time. He had been taking his dog for a walk too. He had interceded on my behalf when some years ago I was the subject of some verbal bullying by four young men. He told me at the time he couldn’t stand bullies especially toward women. We have been friends ever since. I am no longer a recipient of bullying I am happy to say. For many years as a child and youth I had been bullied but before this one incident I had never been bullied as an adult. We chatted for some time before he drove off home and I continued my walk to the pub. It was now fifteen minutes after two o’clock and when I went into the pub I found it packed to the hilt. There was a table free though so I placed my order and waited for lunch to arrive. Two hours later I was back home.
You can read much about my past life in the pages listed above but a very brief account goes like this…..I had a very happy home life as a child, even as a teenager up until I got married at 27. I was above average at school but left without many qualifications. I was picked upon and bullied by many of my peers and by certain other children outside of those I mixed with at school. I say mixed with but that is really far from the real truth, none except one or two, wanted me as a friend and consequently I kept pretty much to myself. I was very much introverted. Once I’d left school things started to improve but it took a few years for me to gain any measure of self-assuredness and far longer to eventually come out of my shell. It took years for me to come out of the closet regarding my gender too. When I get married life was good at first but gradually things began to go wrong and half-way through the marriage I became rejected. After many years being an atheist I came to believe in God and became a Christian. My life during the next ten years was the best it had ever been and to be truthful it has been my faith which has kept me afloat during the latter part of my life and has given me a better outlook and purpose, a real reason to be alive. Then there came the time for me to face up to my gender problem, the one I had grown up with, the one I had kept hidden throughout my life. Things again started to improve, mainly because I could now be the real me and life was once again good. Divorce came next and further rejection and isolation until a few years ago things changed and my relationship with E vastly improved. There was always my work and my hobbies to occupy me but I craved company and love. My life has been somewhat turbulent over the years and the main reasons for my difficulties are rooted in my timidity as a child and the fact that I was bullied. When I think about the various stages of my life, what my circumstances were at different times, I try to think what part of my life was the best. There have been many wonderful times and moments in my life but there have also been some horrible and nasty times too. I cannot say which part of my life has been the best up until now but I can say that my character, my shyness, my introverted outlook, my behaviour, my values, my concerns and my beliefs have all changed for the better and I am a more well-balanced and more confident person now than I ever was previously. If you could pinpoint a moment or a period in your own life that you consider was the best for you what would it be and why? Life can only get better I hear some say but does it? Has it? Will it? The best part of anyone’s life has to be this very moment. The past has been dealt with, the future is unknown, the time is now! Are you happy right now? If not, why not? It is all up to you alone.
We enter this world completely innocent. If we are treated well as a baby our confidence in our security grows more and more, until we come across someone else. We discover that not everything is as it was before and we learn that not everyone loves us like our parents do. In fact some people we meet are hostile to us, some even bully us. As we grow we learn how to cope with it, we learn how to avoid those who treat us badly and how to defend ourselves in awkward situations if we are able.
As adults we can still find ourselves being bullied and mistreated by others. If for instance we don’t fit into the same mould as those who would be against us we may find ourselves once again under attack. We could be gay, transgendered, retarded, of a different race or religion or one of many things that make us different in some way. In situations like these do you think you are being badly done to? Do you feel you ought to be treated in any special way or simply the same as anyone else, even the same as everyone else? It is everybody’s right to be treated the same as everyone else and by everyone else. Unfortunately not all have this respect afforded them.
The question is do you just give up and accept what comes your way or do you make a stand to support what is in fact your right? It all sounds easy but in reality that is far from the truth. Overcoming prejudice is a difficult thing because some perpetrators probably don’t realise the wrong they are doing or even why they act the way they do. They cannot place themselves in the shoes of those they are attacking, some even revel in their prejudice. It is a sad and wicked world we live in and until we can all learn to live together in harmony it will remain that way.